I woke up angry this morning.
With aching hands and elbows from the hard work of striving to not be judged. Perfection isn’t asked of me of course, but it is expected, and that is infuriating. I woke up angry that I have a voice and value but I am continually silenced and disregarded. My value as a mother is weighed and scored by the world around me and my apron is in a twist. I woke up with parched lips and cortisol levels through the roof. I decided to take my anger from the core of my being and rip up a sheet of paper with harsh words surely only a psalmist is allowed to articulate.
I woke up angry this morning. Burning with want, disappointment, and fragility.
Like the words of David I spilled out my guts on paper to God, those words with unfiltered anger and desire were asking one question that I know I am in good company for asking, “God, where are you?”
Once I ran out of harsh words to utter before the throne of God, I turned to read the psalms, looking for some validation for my anger and discontentment. But instead I found unexpected comfort on the heels of my angry requests to the Lord.
“My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord; my heart and flesh sing for joy for the living God. Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she might lay her young… blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever signing your praise!” Ps. 84:2-4
“But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. Turn to me and be gracious to me, give your strength to your servant, and save the son of your maidservants. Show me a sign of your favor, that those who hate me shall be put to shame because you, Lord, have helped me and comforted me.” Ps. 86:15-17
Yes, I woke up angry, but not with God, because our God is abounding in love for me.
Though I struggle to see the works of His hands plainly before me, I angrily hold onto hope in the future where I have an inheritance in the house of my God, where I am defended, have a voice, and am made whole without striving or tears. Where my worthiness has nothing to do with what I do or do not offer, but solely rests on Christ.
I woke up as an angry woman this morning, and honestly still feel angry, but I feel seen by God, and that has to be enough for today.
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